Fish
What do you call a horny fish?
A blowfish
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
After School Snack
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
Kids
You're So Poor
You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.
One Liners
Reducing Salon
A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time."
"Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"
Relationships
KNock Knock Knock
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey Who?
Dewey(Do we) have to listen to all this knocking?
Knock Knock
Surgery
A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.
"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?"
"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?"
"I couldn't play it before."
Medical
Flat Chested
Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC.
Yo Momma
Women
Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One Liners
A Survey
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Animals
Hunting
Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!"
Yo Momma
Blonde Mechanics
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.
The mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Misc
Remembering Important Dates
"You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!"
"Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."
Relationships
Well Rounded Church
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
Puns
Yule
Knock, knock.
Who's There?
Yule.
Yule who?
Yule never know until you open the door!
Knock Knock
How to Kill a Blond
Q. How do you kill a blond?
A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Misc
Going to the Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
Kids
A Little Short
Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt.
"That shirt is 60 dollars," said Sandy. "I wish I could afford it."
Then the shopkeeper comes up, and says, "Can I help you girls with something?"
"Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars," said Nancy.
"Well, sorry, but you are a little short," said the shopkeeper.
"I can't help it, I'm only 6," Nancy replied.
Kids
A Real Groaner!
Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange?
A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!
Puns
Late Tee Off
"Your late teeing off, Fred."
"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf"
"But why are you so late?"
"I had to toss for it fifteen times!"
Sports
Don't Fall Asleep!
Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight.
Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW!
Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired!
Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!
Legal
Batty Books
Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks
Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts
Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie
The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore
How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down
How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup
One Liners
Graveyard
Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels.
Yo Momma
What Did the Bra Say...
What' did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Puns
The Worst Names to Have
This is a list of the worst names to have
Dick Hurtz
Hary Paratesticles
Mike Hunt
Mike Rotch
Anitta Manwhore
Anitta Johnson
Fuk Yao
Ike Anblow
Peter Pecker
I.C. Weiner
I.P. Freely
Seimore Butts
Bo Oobless
Dick Less
Issac Less
Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman)
Ima Hornibusterd
Ima Uglibech
Ima Dick
Puns