The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
100% clean and family-friendly humor perfect for sharing at the dinner table.
Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just
hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.
How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.
"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.
She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, "What are you up to there Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*****g cat!"
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
-Phyllis Diller
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
Mother to teenage daughter:
"The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked.
"Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"
One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you, too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, 'Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'
'No. You had your chance.'
A minute later the boy screamed 'Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'
'No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'
'Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?'
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
Boy: Will you punish me for something I
didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!